New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
