see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
