When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
