oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
