I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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