I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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