How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize