Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
