this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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