You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
