it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
