if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
