well you can't waste a boner
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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