I must be too annoying 4 u.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
