He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
