Your mouth is God's brothel.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
