I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
