I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
