Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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