I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
