I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
