Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
