I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
