i need an iv and a liver transplant
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
