Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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