just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
