Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
