I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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