She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
