I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
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i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
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You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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