Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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