You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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