i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
