someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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