Old men and throwing up are my life now.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
