My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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