Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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