when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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