Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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