Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
