i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
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