i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
bring money and cleavage
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
