tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.