Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
