I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
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We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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