How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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