Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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