dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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