Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
