I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
