I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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