two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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