I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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