here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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