never play flip cup with pint glasses
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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