This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
