you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
