the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The air was thick with penises
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
