Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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