My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
