You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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