i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
