Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
