just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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